I spent the day working on a baby book for Charlie. It wasn’t easy. In one short book I could capture my son’s entire life and death, and at times I was overcome with sorrow by the sheer brevity of my baby’s life. As I organized photos, and wrote notes to my baby I was overwhelmed with sadness at the reality that all of the memories I will ever have (this side of eternity) with our son Charlie…have already been made. We have so few pictures, so few memories, and honestly so few happy times with our baby boy.
Charlie’s birthday was the absolute hardest and saddest day of our entire lives. But in the end…January 28th, 2013 will also always be one of the most treasured days of my life…because it was my one day to hold my baby boy. My one day to sing “You are My Sunshine” to him as tears poured down my face unto his soft baby cheeks. My one day to look at every little intricate feature of his beautiful, perfectly formed body. My one day to tell him all the things I love about him, and how very proud and honored I am to be his mommy. Yes, January 28th will always be a special day…because it is my son’s birthday and I love him deeply.
As I worked on Charlie’s little memory book today I felt a deep sorrow (and surprising moments of joy) as I looked back on our precious eight and a half months of memories. Even as my heart rages against all of this because it feels so very wrong and broken and devastating to have to bury a baby…the few pictures, the few memories, the few stories we do have…are infinitely precious to me. Not just because we so few, but because they are Charlie’s…and he is mine. One page of Charlie’s memory book stood out in particular to me, and so I wanted to share it with you tonight…
My sweet Charlie,
This is the last picture I have with you in my belly. Reading time with my sweet boys. Someday soon, we’re going to sit down together and read Bible stories with Moses, and Freddo, and Jonah, and Jesus… and it is going to be so very glorious. I just can’t wait! Until then, you will read the stories with the One who wrote them all, and in that I will find joy.
I love you baby boy, Mommy.
Mothers, hug your babies tonight. Give your big kids an extra kiss and an extra dose of patience tomorrow in the flurry of getting ready for another Sunday morning. Every. Moment. Is. Precious. We have not been promised a lifetime with our little glories…we have only been given the undeserved gift of today.