Today has been a day of wrestling. Wrestling, like Jacob once did, and longing to see God’s face in the midst of pain. There is just so very much pain. Pain as I try to explain to my sweet Freddo why baby Charlie is not going to be coming to play. Pain when I look at the calendar and see only “due dates” which will now be cry dates. Pain when I wake up each morning and have to remind myself that Charlie has already come and gone from our lives. Never from our hearts…but forever from our lives this side of eternity.
Our lives. Our lives that just keep on going. Sophie is suddenly turning into such a little lady…It makes my heart ache just to think of what an amazing big sister she would have been to Charlie. Fred is getting so tall and becoming such the “big boy.” It’s suffocating thinking of all of the sweet times he would have had with little brother following him around and wanting to be like him in every way. Yes, our lives keep on going, even as it feels like my world is crumbling. And in the midst of all of the tears, and wrestling, and aching for what will not be…in the lowest of moments there is one thing and one thing only that breathes breath back into my breathless being…The Word of life.
This morning was a particularly low point. I was wrestling deeply with the Lord about something specific, and then I did the only thing one can really do when you just need the exact right Scripture for the exact right time…I googled it. My how things have changed since God penned His Word in past centuries, but I have never been so thankful for technology in my whole life. In a moments time, I found this incredible exposition on Proverbs 16:1-4. The man who wrote the commentary is already with Jesus and Charlie, which made me smile just thinking about how much this man who is There…is ministering to my heart as I long for Charlie to be here. It’s an amazing thing to think on really.
As I read this commentary on Proverbs (and I rarely ever (read: never) sit around reading Hebrew commentaries on Tuesday mornings), but as I let God’s Word from Proverbs soak into my heart, I literally felt the Lord restoring my strength. And that’s how its been over the last two weeks. In the darkest of night…God will bring His Word to my mind and somehow it will be enough grace for the moment to keep going. To keep breathing. To keep trusting. To keep walking into the next moment of this journey. I will think a thought, or hear a lie from the enemy, or feel in the depths of my being like I just can’t possibly keep walking down this painful road of grief…and then God will speak. And it will be enough to keep going. Which made me think today about the passage in Matthew 7 about the house on the rock…
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.”
So here’s some things I’ve been thinking…
The building was built…before the storm came. I’ve definitely been hammering on some last minute shingles this week, but for the most part…the Word of God that has been holding me and sustaining me through the darkest storm of my life are all those places in Scripture that I had hidden in my heart long ago…during seasons of lots of sunshine. I have never felt such a desperate longing to help my children, and myself for that matter, get better at Scripture “hiding.” I’m becoming increasingly convinced that it is the very best way I can love them and help prepare them for the deep hurricanes of life.
Words like “fell” and “came” and “blew” just don’t even suffice. How about the rain “dumped down,” the floods “rushed in,” and the winds “pounded on.” That’s how I feel today. I never knew how bad a storm could be. When Jesus said the storms “slammed” down on that poor house…He was not exaggerating.
And yet, our hearts though tattered and bruised and bleeding…are somehow still standing. I feel so shaken right now. I feel slammed against most of the day. But it is true that by God’s grace…and sometimes with only a mustard seed of faith…I am still clinging to this Rock that is higher than I. I am so very thankful that the Lord does not leave His children to fight alone against the storms of life. I know that there will be more rain, and floods, and winds, and storms, and that we need Him desperately as the waves pound on.
Please pray for us that we would continue to be held by God’s Hands and sustained by His Word as we walk with Him each day. These are long, hard days.
Clinging to the Rock while the storm rages on,