Today, I have this desperate longing for baby Charlie. The day we found out we were having a boy we announced it to everyone on instagram with “Screaming for Joy, we’re having a boy!” It was honestly one of the happiest days of my life, and one of my favorite moments with our sweet Charlie James. He had waved at us that afternoon during the ultrasound, and we had all gotten to see him suck his sweet baby thumb. It was such a great day.
Oh, how I wish I could hold his little hand today. There is so much I longed to know about our precious Charlie. What color were his beautiful eyes? How I long to see those eyes! Would his favorite color have been blue like his big brother, or green maybe? Would he have loved to hear “Twinkle, Twinkle” before bed or “You are my Sunshine?” Tears stream down my face as I think of all I long to know about my sweet boy. What I do know about him is so dismally inadequate when I had longed to know him for a lifetime.
I also have this desperation for you to know our Charlie James. You would have loved him, I just know it! And you will when you meet him in Heaven someday.
But here is what I do know…and I will treasure these knowings always.
Charlie was an adventurous little guy. While he was with us we had such fun times as a family. In June, Charlie went on a ministry trip to East Asia with Mommy and Daddy. In July, he went kayaking along the beautiful Central Coast of California past deserted islands, and through star fish-covered caves. In October he went hiking in the Redwoods, and to the pumpkin patch, the apple farm, and the beach. He drove all the way to Oregon and back one crazy weekend when we bought our vintage camper…which was seriously one of the only ways we “nested” in preparation for Charlie’s coming. And he went to Disneyland and heard fireworks and the “It’s a Small World” song…waaaaay too many times. : )
Charlie loved chocolate-covered almonds, rotisserie chicken, sparkling water, and blueberry pancakes. He loved playing soccer in my belly late at night. He loved story time and always kicked so happily while Mommy read him stories.
Charlie was loved deeply by our family. Every time I held his big sister Sophie in my arms she was right there hugging baby Charlie. He heard Mommy and Daddy’s voice singing to the big kids every night at bedtime. Charlie heard his big brother singing the crazy “Awana Goodbye” song every Tuesday night. He heard our endless list of things we were “Thankful For” during November and Christmas music every day after that for a solid six weeks. He also heard the big kids playing, Mommy and Daddy laughing, and the Word of God as we’d read His love letter together as a family.
And most of all…he heard the many things I did not. Charlie heard my heart beating. He heard the ocean waves of amniotic fluid. He heard me breathing. And one day, though we’ll never know the exact day, Charlie heard His maker’s loving voice say, “Come with me…I am ready to take you home my sweet boy.”
I wish so badly that God had written a different story. But I am learning more and more each day, that the God of Job, the God of Jacob, the God of all who call Him Father and wrestle to see His face…He is also my God. He does not change. And He always has and always will be the God of Ephesians 1:11 who does all things “according to the counsel of His will.” My will? No. Your will? No. God checks with no one but Himself when He is planning each moment of our lives. He takes counsel from His will alone. That is His job. Surrender to that…is mine.
Some moments that’s going well actually. Most moments it is not. But I am learning that I can praise Him and thank Him for what I do know…and that that will absolutely have to be enough for my heart today. We know that we will always be the proud parents of a beautiful baby boy named Charlie James, who loved music, and pancakes, and adventures, and is finally safe where we all long to someday be safe…in the presence of our loving Christ.
I want to close with what is now one of my favorite pictures of our precious Charlie. It’s from Blue Ice Cream day and it’s awesome and perfect in every way. Fred is picking his nose, I’m trying to clean off Sophie’s face, and she is about to plunge into that lovely looking ice cream. It is just so classic. It is just so our crazy family. And it is a great picture of sweet Charlie in my belly. In the midst of our crazy photo shoot…there he was our baby boy. With us for eight and a half precious months in our messy, glorious, God-ordained lives.
i love you, my sweet baby. And I can’t wait to finally be together again Someday.