There are things that we just never, ever wanted to do. Picking out a baby casket. Choosing a place to bury our son. Saying goodbye to the child of our love. Inconceivably dark sorrows. But…there are also things we never knew. We never knew just how much the Lord Jesus lovingly carries you when you absolutely cannot even walk. We never knew how tender He can be to gently lead those who as Isaiah says, “Are with young.” And we never knew how beautiful the hope of Heaven is, and what it feels to long to be there so very badly. To actually want to be in heaven…more than we want to be on earth. In the last seven days we have experienced both the things we never wanted to do and the things we never knew…and often in the very same moment.
Last week, as we went to see where our baby boy’s precious body would rest until the return of Christ and resurrection of the saints, I was overcome with sorrow as I looked at the beauty surrounding that place…
The rich green hills: A little boy would have loved hiking on these green hills. The path that leads to the ocean just a few miles away: Oh how I longed for Charlie to go surfing with his daddy. The perfect little climbing tree: Charlie would have loved climbing this tree with his big brother someday. And it hurt so badly thinking of all that will never be in this beautiful place. All of the things that we will never get to see Charlie do…that we wanted, and dreamed, and planned on for as long as we have known of his life.
But it is so very true that the steadfast love of the Lord endures, and His mercies never fail. As I looked at the place we call “home,” a place of green pastures and quiet waters where the Lord really has restored our souls…I was reminded of something that happened before Charlie came. A few months ago, we were driving home from a family adventure through the beautiful green hills in our town, and listening to Phil Wickham’s “Heaven Song.” And I remember thinking in that moment how much our hills remind me of the hills of Heaven.
As I listened to that song this week in the place where Charlie’s body rests, tears of joy streamed down my cheek. God somehow even in the darkest night…is so very good. He is so good that we get to see Him someday face to Perfect face. He is so good that we will get to see our little Charlie some day, and finally get to know him as we so desperately long to.
And as we spend every day that is left of our lives apart from where Charlie is spending every day of his…my heart says in a fresh way that has never longed for Heaven so badly…
“I want to run on greener pastures, I want to dance on higher hills
I want to drink from sweeter waters, In the misty morning chill
And my soul is getting restless, For the place where I belong
I can’t wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song.”
I love you my sweet boy, and I can’t wait to be with you and Jesus someday soon.
click here to listen to Heaven Song